I have only been baking for about one year. I have watched numerous food competition shows, and I usually enjoy them. I think that right now there are too many dessert variations. Or, maybe they’re just getting too weird.
Once I watched this show Sweet Genius and it was near-horrifying. This man with a funny name stands on a grand podium, and he talks with this accent, and he asks his contestants to implement “genius” into their baking, otherwise they’ll be sent away. Anyway, sort of like Iron Chef, there is always one mandatory ingredient our “genius” pastry chefs must use in their dish, and it’s always something foolish, like Cheetohs. Then, near the end of the challenge, he introduces some new random mandatory ingredient, and it will be something like rice paper, and you’re like, what? Um? This is not genius. It’s weird. Why would you ever like, use Cheetohs in any baking scenario? Especially if that baking scenario were high stakes! Anyway, it irks me. And then there are all these cake and cupcake shows. Cake Boss. You know that one.
I don’t even like cake. I’ve never baked a cake. I’ve like, hardly ever met anyone who is super excited about cake.
I wonder like–Do these cakes even taste good? They look like rubber. Or plastic! Or like alien cakes. Cakes from outer space! Killer space goo filling!
I am very puritanical sometimes. Especially like, when it comes to cakes. I want some kind of rustic-looking thing if I’m going to have a cake. Falling all over the place. Tastes like the earth. Or something.
But f#ck cake! Cake is not even that awesome! And fondant tastes like legos. Why is everybody flying up into the air about cake? I want pie. Pie is difficult. Pie even takes muscle! Rolling out pie dough, that takes muscle. And there’s so much technique! It takes practice! Like basketball or something. Like sports. Everybody likes sports! Or, a lot of people like sports. I like sports! Pie–couldn’t it be like cake? Like a competitive sport?
Anyway, so today I baked a pie. It’s a pecan pie, and I’m not sure if it’s perfect, but it was my first pecan pie, so whatever. It’s pretty! I baked it because I was bored, because my boyfriend is out of town for the weekend, back home to like, watch his high school football team play in the state championship (they won!), and we’re biffs
and there’s nothing like biffs in the nighttime. So I baked a pie. I found the recipe here. Thanks, here! My pie is rustic! Every part is homemade. Except for the parts. Like, I didn’t homemake the pecans. Or the flour. You get it. Pie glamour shots!
So I have to go to bed. But in the end, last but not least, my message being: Pie should get some respect. Where’s the respect for pie? People! I’m serious. Anyway, I guess maybe it’s better if we keep pie off the teevee in the end. Because pie is like, art. Or it’s science? It’s both. It’s magic! Magic belongs in space.